For most people we are almost reaching the 4 month mark of lockdown and although everything is starting to lift and open up again, unfortunately this isn't the case for me. The theatre industry which is my 'real job' is closed until be potentially the rest of 2020, so it's going to be a bit of a wait until until I can get my career up and running again. Now obviously this sucks but it has forced me to really think about the ways that I want to use this time and revaluate things that are important to me.
Now don't worry this isn't going to be a post about how productive I am being and how I have created a side hustle and blah blah blah, because quite honestly, I'm not and I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of feeling unmotivated, trying to find menial tasks to fill the day, being asked 'what have you done today?' by well wishing family members and feeling like a bit of a slob constantly answering 'not much'. But the sad reality is that there is nothing I can do about my situation to speed up the process of getting my normal life back. Who could have predicted that a deadly virus would have swept through the world and shut down all of the Theatre buildings for the whole of the year?
So I am stuck in this state of limbo, with all the good will and motivation in the word but nothing to do with it and I am bored. We all tried out all the generic boredom-busting trends during lockdown but now that the novelty has worn off, what else is there? I've done the get fit thing (injuring myself in the process), I've watched all the Netflix shows, I've emptied my baking cupboard by baking banana bread and biscuits and every other cake you can think of, I've read all the old books that were kicking round my room, my wardrobe is overflowing with all my online shopping. But now I've come to terms with the fact that there isn't a quick fix to this anymore and it no longer feels like a waiting game which will be 'over soon' like everyone keeps telling me - I've got to learn to be 'bored' and be content there.
But what is so easy to forget is that boredom isn't a thing which happens to us, it's a conscious choice and a thought that we are actually able to control. If it wasn't then all of us would find the same things and situations 'boring' - but for what one person might find boring like walking round an art gallery or watching a musical, these are things that would make a great day out for me! So after a couple of down weeks of feeling pretty defeated, a culmination of the uncertainty of my situation and everyone else going back to work and getting back to their normal lives - combined with some dreary weather and some bad hormones - I made a decision to look at things a little differently, or at least I'm trying to. Yes my life has been put on pause for a little while but when else is this ever going to happen in life? When you have the chance to just completely take a step back from everything and are forced to actively pursue new hobbies, get fit, read all the books, have a clear out, redecorate and spend the days doing absolutely anything you want - or even nothing at all! If life had carried on as it was written in the diary, I wouldn't have had any summer at all and would have spent almost every weekend working so although it feels a bit like I'm 13 again and trying to fill up the weeks of a "summer holiday" with day trips and walks and meeting up with friends - this is maybe the last time that I will get to spend my summer this way without feeling guilty or pushed for time so I am learning to enjoy it without the millennial need to be productive niggling at my brain.
T x
