First of all, let's take a moment to laugh at how ridiculous I look in the photo above, clutching my boobs and laughing like an absolute goofball. There's a funny story behind it - I went to go take some pics with my sister and halfway through she goes, "Tara one of your boobs looks way smaller than the other" and this was the face I pulled immediately before I said, "It probably is!". Kind of a nothing story I know but I actually kind of love this photo because a year ago there was no way I would have posted it - I would have pointed out my goofy teeth, unsymmetrical boobs, belly overhang and hip dips and deleted it straight out. But this year has given me so much more perspective on what is important to me, who I am becoming and honestly just not caring what other people think.
I know I have gone on far too many times about how busy this year has been for me but it has and - although the theme of these photos may be a bit misleading - it has been over a year since I have done any proper exercise. In my first and second year of uni I got very caught up in how I looked and this whole 'gym culture' that seems to be expected of you on Instagram nowadays. I was pushed over the edge when one of my old dance teachers said "you are very unfit now, don't turn into one of those fat uni students" although I know she meant nothing by it and said it as a helpful passing comment, it was enough to make me look at myself a little differently and cave into the pressure that I was already feeling. Now I'm not saying that I went unhealthy about it - in fact I was probably the most physically fit I have ever been but it was just excessive pressure on myself that I didn't need. I would be going to the gym 4/5 times a week, every time trying to beat my personal best of the amount of time that I could stay on the treadmill and not letting myself get off until I had. I constantly feeling guilty about what I was eating, how much longer I would need to go to the gym, if I skipped gym one evening I would drag myself to the gym in my halls as late as 11pm as a sort of punishment. As much as my body was healthier for it, my mentality towards it wasn't, and when it came to my third year of university, I just knew that this sort of pressure on top of everything else was going to make me crumble. So I just stopped it and I focused on writing my dissertation as well as working 2 jobs, finishing my degree, staying in the studio until 8pm most nights and working freelance, and I bloody smashed it! Yes I may have lost my abs, my legs and hips are a bit jiggly now and I probably couldn't last 10 minutes on a treadmill, but I gained SO much more.
It's all about about balance. Now that I have a bit more time to myself I want to concentrate on earning some more money, getting my career started at the same time and probably at some point getting my fitness back but I will do it in a much more healthy and gentle way and hopefully in not so much isolation as I was feeling last time. What I have learnt from this past year is that if you focus on the physical results of how you look to make you feel happy and a sense of achievement, you will never be happy. Even when I was at my slimmest and could run for an hour, I would still want to lose a bit more, run a bit longer. It never ends and you have to focus on what is going to benefit you most at that point in time, and for me that was focusing on getting my career goals focused, getting a first to help me do that and working to be able to afford it as well as building my portfolio and making industry contacts along the way.
Now I am always a bit cautious of using the words 'body confidence' because I am aware that I am a still naturally slim size 8 and a lot of people will scoff at you for even trying to put yourself in that category but I think that everyone will always criticise their own body way more than anyone else does and that everyone can lack confidence in their own skin at some point. For me it was just about realising that honestly NO ONE CARES. None of my family, friends or boyfriend have even noticed a change in my body in the past year, so why the hell was I worrying so much. So for the foreseeable future you will find me under a blanket and with a pack of Haribo, and I am absolutely ok with that!
Tara - Jade x
Outfit details:
Top: Boux Avenue here
Leggings: Boux Avenue here
Use code : TARACTIVE20 for 20% off until 30th September
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